THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO AFTER 30 (Esquire)

• Coin his own nickname.
• Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
• Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
• Hacky sack.
• Name his “unit” his name plus junior.
• Hang art with tape.
• Ask a policeman, “You ever shoot anybody with that thing?”
• Ask a woman, “Hey, you got a license for that ass?”
• Take a camera to a nude beach.
• Let his father do his taxes.
• Tap on the glass.
• Shout out a response to “Are you ready to rock?”
• Use the word “collated” on his resume.
• Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
• Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
• Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
• Hug amusement-park characters.
• Wear Disney-themed neckties.
• Choose 69 as his jersey number.
• Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
• Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
• Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
• Call “shotgun” before getting in a car.
• Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write “Wish you were here” on it.
• Keg stands.
• Put less than ten dollars’ worth of gas in the tank.