Last week, British social etiquette advisor Debrett’s issued five “golden rules” for using Facebook. Here are their rules:

1. You don’t have to make friends with people you don’t know. Think before you poke.

2. Wait 24 hours before accepting or removing someone as a friend. The delay will help you gather your thoughts.

3. Birthdays, engagements and weddings are not “virtual” events. Always send cards or phone friends when there is an important event.

4. Think before posting a friend’s photo what you would feel like if it was you.

5. Think carefully about your profile picture. Would you want it to be appearing in your local newspaper?

And, now I present MY rules for Facebook:

Applications. No more than 15 applications! And if you add one, don’t invite every single person on your friends list. I don’t don’t give a sh!t what type of cat I am. The reason MySpace died is partly because there was so much junk on people’s pages that it took forever to load.

Profile Pics. No shirtless pics. Automatic douche. Unless it’s unflattering and/or ironic. If you’re in a couple, this doesn’t mean your profile is shared…you’re still individuals. Profile pics as a couple: ultra-lame. Celebrate your independance! Also, as with any picture, flashing any kind of hand sign (devil horns, the finger, etc.) is tres lame. 

Status Updates. No more than 3 a day. Max! Too many people change them on a second-to-second basis. “Emma is eating candy corn.” 3 minutes later: “Emma enjoyed the candy corn.” 10 minutes later: “Emma feels sick to her stomach.” Also, if you have a gripe with one specific person…email them or write on their specific wall. “Caitlin thinks you are a total bitch” makes no sense to anybody but one person on your friends list. Grammar counts. No “is is.” No “is wants to hang out tonight.”

Tagging. Use your discretion when tagging. If I look terrible in a pic (most of the time) leave the tagging up to me.

Poking. If someone doesn’t return your poke, if you have to try again, wait a week. Poking is like flirting. I always find it a little strange getting poked by guy friends.

That’s it for now, but let’s make this list fluid. Disagree? Post your comments. Add your rules in the comments. Here’s some audio:

The Facebook Rules

Callers

Relationship Status

Greg is a Weird Dude. Last week Greg Beharrell (X92.9 Evening/Weekend Guy) and I ate on a patio, and he was complaining about the sun. It turns out, he doesn’t like the sun, or daytime activities at all. Listen to his explanation here:

Greg Hates the Sun

Newsweek Magazine offered an article on The Nine Most Obnoxious Habits of Gym Rats. Highlights:

1. The Sauna Stovetop A manager at a New York Sports Club was walking through the women’s locker room a few years ago when she smelled cheese. Puzzled, she opened the door to the sauna, where a woman had placed bread and cheese on the hot rocks to make a postworkout grilled cheese sandwich. “Not only was it a health code violation, it was not really respectful to the other people in the sauna,” says NYSC PR director Linda Hufcut. “She said, ‘I do this all the time.’ That was, obviously, the last time she ever did it.’”

2. Nude Fitness? A couple of visitors to a Gold’s Gym in Paramus, N.J., decided to get naked and weigh themselves before they started working out. The two men didn’t seem daunted by the fact that the scale was outside the locker room. They hung out by the scale, in full view of the other, clothed patrons, until a manager asked them to put some clothes on. They told Mike Epstein, the gym’s owner, that they did that sort of thing all the time at their home gym. Perhaps they meant “home gym” as in the one in their basement.

3. Creative Blow-Drying A man in a California Crunch gym decided that the best way to dry out his sweaty shoes was to stick a hair dryer in each of them while he took his after-workout shower. He was shocked when managers asked him to cease and desist. “He said, ‘I didn’t even realize I shouldn’t be doing this’,” says Keith Worts, chief operating officer of Crunch, a national fitness chain.

4. Downward Dog? At another Crunch location a man had a habit of taking a yoga class while wearing shorts without underwear. He was more than happy to correct his faux pas as soon as managers made him aware that other members were uncomfortable with the view they were getting.

5. Work Out, Sleep In Some people get a little too relaxed at the gym. Gold’s Gym managers have reported finding customers who fell asleep in the tanning facility and didn’t wake up until the gym was closed, as well as customers who fell asleep on the bench press in between sets.

6. Killer Karaoke It’s common and profoundly annoying: gymgoers get carried away listening to their music players. Before they know it they’ve treated everyone in the room to an off-key rendition of “…Baby One More Time.” “I call it karaoke gone bad, because there is no background music and they’re singing at the top of their lungs,” says Harry Reo, a regional vice president for 24 Hour Fitness.

7. Talking (Too Much of) the Talk Fed up with people gabbing on their cell phones as they used the elliptical, many gyms have banned cell phones around workout equipment and designated areas for patrons to make calls. Still, people forget. “There’s nothing worse than running on the treadmill and having someone next to you conducting an extremely loud conversation,” says Hufcut, who’s seen some people use walkie-talkies while on the treadmill.

8. Sweat Sins It seems basic, but enough people forget to wipe down their equipment after using it that this was one of the four deadly gym sins included on an informational video NYSC taped a few years ago. During the segment a careless gymgoer didn’t dry off his machine; when he stood up, the entire machine was covered in dripping goo.

9. Scrimmage to Scuffle It’s only logical that testosterone can run high at the gym, and sometimes managers need to break up altercations on the basketball court, says Nancy Pattee Francini, co-founder and president of the Sports Club/LA, which has 10 locations around the country. “Those guys, when they’re playing basketball, can get into fights,” she says. “They’re not terrible fights—we’re a high-end club.”

Your calls on the matter

Dogs are used for leading the blind, therapy, drug-sniffing, and all sorts of other helpful jobs. But dogs can rock apparently. I came across a band called Caninus, fronted by two pitbulls. And a band called Hatebeak, whose lead singer is a 15-year old parrot. We listen to some audio clips and chat about the phenomenon here:

Singing Dogs n Birds

Comedian Shaun Majumder is performing at The Laugh Shop this Friday and Saturday night. He came by to co-host my show on Thursday afternoon. Here’s the conversation, plus a few calls we got that didn’t air on the show.

Majumder Part #1

Majumder Part #2

Majumder Part #3

Call from a Newf

Call about Rashida Jones

I like to talk about sex and/or love on my radio show. This time around, a teenage reading habit came to light. Listen:

Penthouse Letters

Greg Beharrell (X92.9 Evening/weekend guy) is a weird dude. He eats a diet consisting mainly of Diet Cola (4 litres daily minimum), dry cereal (no milk!) and chicken breasts. He doesn’t do any muscular or cardiovascular excercise. BUT….he thinks he’s in great shape. Not good shape, GREAT shape. Here’s the conversation:

Greg thinks he’s healthy audio

I’ve always been a reader, since I was two my parents tell me. Recently I suggested a book to Greg - X92.9 evening/weekend guy - and he said he doesn’t read. This baffled me, because he seems like a pretty bright guy. Lynch will tell you proudly that he’s only read two books in his lifetime, but it doesn’t seem hugely surprising. Whitebread’s (Whitebread=Greg) revelation was surprising. I asked him why, and here’s the audio:

Greg doesn’t like books

It’s been awhile since I talked about the phenomenon of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and the site chronicling this atrocity. The warm weather is here, and the douche and the chicks that are hypnotized by their douchiness. If you see any Calgary examples of HCWDB send ‘em to josh@x929.ca or send them to the official website Hot Chicks With Douchebags. Last year we did an interview with the creator of the website, and you can find that here.

Got a call from a telemarketer. This time I thought it would be fun to be a lonely German man. Yes my accent is pretty bad, but I still think it’s a fun call. Here it is:

Telemarketing and a Lonley German Man Audio