Lynch is growing a sad excuse for a ’stache, so I thought I’d repost the moustache rules:

These are simple rules, with very few exceptions. The mullet hair cut is never cool, not even in an ironic way. The only exception is for hockey players, like Ryan Smyth of the Oil, who have had it for years. Like mandatory helmets, he’s grandfathered in this case. As for moustaches, if you’re under 40 years of age, you shouldn’t have one. They are ridiculous. Exceptions: Cops, gay guys, and guys in bands with super-ironic handlebar or fu manchu styles. I don’t know why cops often have moustaches, but you can’t fight tradition. The moustache seems to play a part in gay culture, and that’s cool too. The worst moustaches are those guys with young or babyfaces who grow a moustache cause they think it makes them look more mature. No. It makes you look more ridiculous.

It’s a new year, with new listeners stumbling across our still-new radio station, Calgary’s New Rock Alternative X92.9 FM. We just celebrated our first anniversary on January 1. You may have been there since the beginning, or perhaps are just now discovering us. If we haven’t been properly introduced yet, I host the afternoon show. It runs weekdays from 2-7PM, which includes the 6 O’Clock Rock Report, an hour of music news, interviews and some damn good music. I love that my show has become a two-way connection and always enjoy interacting with you. You can get in touch a whole bunch of ways:

Phone during the show: 403-238-X929 (9929)

Leave a voicemail: 403-670-0210 x 1851

E-mail: josh@x929.ca

Social Networking: Facebook, MySpace (let’s be friends!)

Feel free to take a browse through the past years’ worth of blog archives, and make sure you bookmark my blog!!!

We had a discussion about torture on the show today. I don’t believe torture is effective or neccesary…especially waterboarding. An article by Darius Rejali (author of the book Torture and Democracy ) sums up these 5 Myths:

1 - Torture worked for the Gestapo
2 - Everyone talks sooner or later under torture
3 - People will say anything under torture
4 - Most people can tell when someone is lying under torture
5 - You can train people to resist torture

Read the article here.

Your comments are welcome.

If you can’t go two hours without checking your text messages, or seeing who called you, or worst of all, answering your phone - watching movies in the theatre just isn’t for you. Don’t go. I think theatres should be allowed to use cell-blocking technology to discourage the douche.

HOW NOT TO BE A DOUCHEBAG AT THE MOVIES:

• No Cell Phones: Turn the ringer off. Not vibrate. Off. If it’s on vibrate it’ll only tempt you to check it if there’s a call or message. Do not answer incoming calls, or (I feel like I’m stating the obvious here) make outgoing calls. Do not open your phone to see if anyone called or to read and write text messages. This is a big one, as people seem to assume it’s just the actual talking and ringing that’s distracting. That giant glowing LCD screen in the midst of the darkened theatre takes my attention from the movie screen. Again…if you can’t go two hours without touching your cell phone, you shouldn’t go to movies. And you should seek professional help.
• No Talking: Talk all you want before the movie and during the inevitable ads that precede the it. During the trailers, it’s polite to leave the talk for between the trailers, where it’s acceptable to say stuff like “that looks awesome” or “that looks suck-tastic.” Once the lights go down and the “feature presentation” bumper ends, it’s time to shut it! Don’t be tempted to talk with your companion about what’s on screen. If you’re on a first date and trying to impress her with your witty comments, trust me, you’re not funnier than the movie. Don’t state the obvious: “oh crap, she’s dead.” Don’t make out-loud predictions: “He’s gonna get caught!” Just save the talk ’til the movie is over and the credits are rolling.
• Remain Seated: You know the movie is gonna be 2 hours. Plan ahead. Take a whiz before it starts. You getting up and walking in front of people during the movie is annoying and distracting. It also means that when you return to your seat, the same thing happens again, plus you might be tempted to have a conversation about what you missed…which makes it double-douchey.

What as a regular non-douchey moviegoer can you do to keep the douche at bay? If your friend breaks one of the rules, you must be quick to remind them about the rules. If a stranger is chatting, a shush is a good start, an evil stare is the next step, and a “will you shut the f*ck up!?!” is a fine last resort. As for cellphone users the same tactic can be effective. As for texting and the glowing screens, I’ve found throwing pennies at the hands and /or device of the user can be effective. Some brands of candy will work too. For now the balcony is closed.

You’ve seen them puttering along in the passing lane (if you don’t know what the passing lane is, it’s the left lane, but that’s a whole other post) talking on their cellphones while cars line up behind them waiting for them to move. Cell phone drivers seem to slow things down, but here’s actual proof:

All those drivers you see chatting on cell phones are slowing down traffic, even if they’re using hands-free devices, according to a new study from University of Utah psychology professor David Strayer. The research, based on simulator driving, found that motorists on cell phones go about two miles per hour slower on clogged roads and don’t keep up with the flow of traffic. They are far more likely to stay behind a slow car and they change lanes about 20 percent less often. Overall, cell phone drivers took about three percent longer to travel the same highly-congested road and about two percent longer on a medium-congested road. Strayer said that, with about one in 10 drivers on the phone, that can really add up.

Calgary has some of the worst drivers I’ve come across. For the most part it’s the overcautious drivers and the left-lane hogs that make me most crazy. Here’s a list from AOL.com:

• Tailgaters: We have enough problems with people breathing down our necks on supermarket lines, train ticket lines and (sometimes) unemployment check lines. We don’t need them breathing down our necks on the highway, too.
• Road Rage: Spontaneous road-battles are the worst. When dealing with someone with road rage, suddenly you’re expected to dodge insults, trash and who-knows-what-else in a chariot battle right out of Ben Hur when all you wanted to do was hit the local Stop N’ Shop.
• Grooming While Driving: Has anybody actually met someone by exchanging glances on the road going 60 mph? It’s like a car is a dressing room for some people — people that need perfectly manicured hair and flawless skin at all times. I don’t know how impressed I’d be if someone swerved into me while primping in the vanity mirror. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe someone out there actually wants to have their insurance rates raised.
• No Turn Signals: Have you noticed that there are two types of drivers who don’t use turn signals? There’s the bunch who don’t use their signals because they’re trying to be sneaky and grab the incredibly tight space in front of your car in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Then there’s those who just don’t seem to remember or care to use their signals, like the guy who veers into a turn in front of oncoming traffic and freaks everyone out at the intersection. For the latter, maybe driving a car simply just isn’t engaging enough to demand their attention like it should.
• Slowpokes in the Fast Lane: Is there any simpler way to phrase it? “Keep right except to pass.” Some drivers just don’t get it. They just love that left lane, even when they’re rolling along 20 mph under the speed limit. Maybe they get nervous when cars whiz past their window. The left lane’s no-traffic shoulder may seem friendlier.
• Driving Greedy: About a year ago, I saw a driver so protective of his space behind a tractor trailer that, while maneuvering to keep someone else from merging, he actually impaled his bumper on the back of the truck. The truck pulled away and yanked the whole bumper off. And the other car jumped into the space anyway, rubbing some salt in the wound.
• The Multi-Lane Dash: Don’t you just love it when a car makes a desperate diagonal bee-line across three lanes for an exit? It’s like there’s going to be an epic 50 miles until the next chance to exit and turn around. Granted, in some remote places there actually could be 50 miles between exits, but in major metropolitan areas? Perhaps they just enjoy the thrill of cutting everybody off on the road at once.
• Staggering Merge: You have to wonder if people had the same driver’s manual as you did. Maybe they got their license in a different age, one where you could get three-quarters of the questions wrong on a permit test and still be approved to drive a vehicle. That’s what I wonder when traffic gets hot and heavy and one lane is forced to merge with another. My book years ago talked of cars taking turns to form a staggered merge, one car from one lane going ahead, followed by one car from another lane.
• Meals on Wheels: My driver’s education instructor once ate a salad, utensils in either hand, while driving. He lowered the steering wheel as far as it would go and simply steered with his knees. Insane, you say? Absolutely. I think he wanted to give us a little scare after all the grief we’d put him through. What’s astonishing is all the people eating in their cars on their morning commutes. Frankly, hash brown grease and ketchup only coordinate with your suit and tie if you’re under 10.
• Talkahaulic: The Cellular Phone User: Now that the 1980s are over, the whole rich and influential power-broker look with a cell phone attached to your ear is a tad passe. Do people really need to flaunt their handheld cellular phones as they steer with one hand nowadays? If drivers really want to broadcast “I’m-so-successful-and-busy-and-everybody-needs-to-do-business-with-me-even-when-I’m-driving,” why not hire an out-of-work actor to dress up as a personal assistant and furiously take notes for them as they drive?

As you rack your brain and race around trying to get gifts your family and friends will like this holiday season, keep in mind that a stupid present might just be the perfect present. Reuters reports that the website Stupid.com yesterday (November 26th) unveiled its list of the top 10 stupidest holiday gifts for 2007, with founder Gary Apple saying in a statement, “These gifts are so ridiculously stupid that everyone will want them.”  The top 10 are:

1.       Mistletoe to Go — Faux mistletoe on a suction cup that attaches to your forehead.

2.       The Hillary Nutcracker — A nutcracker made in the image of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, in which the nut is cracked between her pant-suited legs.

3.       Slingshot Monkey — A stuffed monkey dressed as a superhero who flies up to 50 feet as he screams.

4.       Larry Craig Action Figure — This talking Senator Larry Craig action figure with bendable limbs wears a T-shirt that declares “I Am Not Gay.” When he speaks, he repeats parts of the news conference Craig gave after it was revealed he’d been arrested on charges of soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom.

5.       Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon Candy — This candy looks like real bacon and comes packaged the same way too.

6.       Inflatable Moosehead — Save the effort of hunting and a real moose’s life by putting this inflatable moose head on your trophy wall.

7.       Electronic Yodeling Pickle — Press the button on this six-and-a-half-inch plastic pickle and an authentic-sounding yodel plays.

8.       Poo-lar Bear Candy — This plastic bear is filled with candy poop, so when you press down on its hind quarters he poops out a piece.

9.       Get Off the Phone Excuse Machine — This machine comes in handy when you need to get off the phone with a chatty Cathy. Press a button for excuses like “Whoops, there’s the door,” and “I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up.”

10.    USB Dancer — Plug this bikini-wearing dancer into your computer’s USB port and audio port and when sound plays on your system, she’ll dance and gyrate around the pole.

#1.)  AVOID DRUGS.  Obviously, you wouldn’t want to do hard drugs.  We ALL know that stuff kills.  But if you can, don’t use antibiotics all the time, either.  It’ll weaken your immune system, so you’ll get sick a lot easier. 

#2.)  FLOSS (???).  Flossing actually SAVES LIVES.  It gets rid of plaque between teeth, which is basically a thick coating of bacteria.  Plaque has been linked with cardiovascular disease AND stroke in adults over 25.   

#3.)  HAVE LOTS OF SEX.  Sex is a great workout for your body . . . it makes you happy (–most of the time) . . . and it’s also is great for keeping your immune system strong. 

#4.)  PLAY WITH YOUR DOG OR CAT.  Pets come in contact with good germs that support your immune system . . . and these germs help you to be healthier and stronger. 

#5.)  EAT SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE DAY.  The whole “three meals a day” thing actually isn’t all that healthy anymore.  It’s better to eat MORE than that, but in smaller portions, because it keeps you from overeating and getting chubbier. 

#6.)  DON’T YELL AT PEOPLE.  Yelling at people tells your immune system that you want to FIGHT.  In some instances, this can make your immune system overactive . . . causing it to actually attack your own organs.  

#7.)  SLEEP.  This is really the only time your body and your immune system have to relax and repair.  So stick to the old rule of trying to get at least eight hours a night. 

#8.)  EXERCISE.  This one is pretty much a given.  When you exercise, your body is healthier, and you live longer. 

#9.)  EAT RIGHT.  You need to have all the right vitamins and minerals a day to prevent your immune system from weakening. 

#10.)  GET SOME SUN.  Don’t OVEREXPOSE yourself to the sun, but at least 20 minutes of sun exposure a day gives you enough Vitamin D for your body’s needs.

Tim Darling is a math expert, who studied billions of computer simulations of Monopoly games, to figure out, mathematically, how you should play to have the best chance at winning the game. 

#1.)  ALWAYS BUY RAILROADS, NEVER BUY UTILITIES.  The revenue from railroads is much more constant over time. 

#2.)  ONLY BUY PROPERTY TO COMPLETE A MONOPOLY, OR KEEP AN OPPONENT FROM COMPLETING ONE.  Owing one or two properties in a group is useless, unless it stops Monopolies . . . because you need to build houses to win. 

#3.)  ALWAYS GET A “CHEAPER” MONOPOLY.  Get one of the four monopolies on the first two sides of the board:  The purples, light blues, light purples or oranges.  And get it quickly . . . trade if you have to. 

#4.)  ONLY BUILD THREE HOUSES.  As soon as you get a Monopoly, put THREE houses on each property.  Exactly three.  Based on the math, three houses is the sweet spot . . . they’ll pay off the most over time, without being too expensive up front like hotels. 

#5.)  ONCE YOUR FIRST MONOPOLY STARTS MAKING MONEY, GET A MORE EXPENSIVE MONOPOLY.  And put three houses on each of its properties. 

#6.)  STAY IN JAIL.  Once your opponents have monopolies, moving around the board will, most likely, cost you money.  So, stay in jail as long as you can.  But, until they have monopolies, get out of jail quickly so you can get back to buying property.  (Amnesta.net)

A British TV station called UKTV Gold just released the results of a survey where they asked people to vote on which laws in the

U.K. are the STUPIDEST.  And here’s the top 10, in order . . . 

#1.)  It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

 #2.)  It’s an act of treason to put a postage stamp upside-down if it has a British monarch’s picture on it.

#3.)  In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless . . . unless she’s the clerk at a tropical fish store.

#4.)  It’s illegal to eat meat pies on Christmas Day. #5.)  In Scotland, if someone knocks on the door and needs to use your toilet, you have to let them in.

#6.)  A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a police officer’s helmet.

#7.)  If a whale dies on the British coast, its head instantly becomes the property of the king, and its tail instantly becomes the property of the queen.

#8.)  It’s illegal to withhold information from a tax collector . . . but only if it’s info that you don’t want him to know.  If you have information you don’t mind him knowing . . . you don’t have to tell him about it.

#9.)  It’s illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a full suit of armor. #10.)  In York, it’s legal to murder someone from Scotland . . . but only if they’re carrying a bow and arrow.

–The people in the survey also got to vote on the most ridiculous laws outside of the

U.K.  The winner:  In Ohio, it’s illegal to get a fish drunk.

 –Second place went to Indonesia, where the penalty for making angry, passionate love to yourself is DECAPITATION.

(Reuters U.K.)